Been a few months since I did last post an entry, what’s changed?
A fuck load for one.
Everything from losing my virginity to trying something new, the ‘v’ card – as I’m going to refer it to throughout this post – has never been something of high importance to me. It was just one of those steps in life which I had finally taken, 23 years old and I had finally lost my virginity.
The experience though? I’ve heard different stories, but for me, pain? Barely registered, there was a bit, but he was too busy trying to stick it in another hole – did I mention this guy is an absolute dick? He’s literally a bigger dick than the one he actually owns, which is sad, but it happens. *shrugs*
So anyways, I’m actually starting to think maybe there’s something wrong with me instead, I mean I didn’t register the pain which is whatever, but from my understanding I didn’t get any pleasure really at all out of it. Aren’t you supposed to be on a euphoric high in the middle of sex?
I didn’t get that one bit, I’ve had sex twice since then, and even the second time, I barely got any pleasure out of it, maybe that’s because the male I did sleep with is more than twice my age, but that’s a secret entirely I’m keeping to myself.
Yes, I slept with a male that is more than twice my age, do I regret it? No, did I get any pleasure out of it? Only if it was by my own doing, otherwise I didn’t really enjoy it that much at all.
Maybe it was because there wasn’t that much of a connection, or maybe because there wasn’t really an attraction, but the male – lets call him – ‘D’, appreciated a female that is larger than life, he appreciated a girl that had a tummy, he liked voluptuous curves, BBW was his type of a woman, and I was all that. Shy, but all of that.
He showed me that there were men out there that did appreciate that, didn’t matter that I had big tits and a big ass, I was always ashamed of the rest of my body, but even though it had just been one night, the one night had proven to me that there is still hope for me out there.
Moving onto another male that i have come across in my life, we’ll call him ‘X’, now online relationships – not literally, but online relations isn’t something of a shock to me, being ashamed of my own body made me shy, leading me to using online sources to get in contact with people, I’m not disgusted with myself, but I don’t like myself enough to truly appreciate what other people may appreciate.
Anyways, talking to people online isn’t something new to me, I do it all the time, have done it all the time for years now, now, it had been a few years since I had actually talked to a male online for an extended time, which is when I came across ‘X’, this beautiful, British, male, basically drool-worthy, literally ticked all my imaginary boxes in what I would look for a in a guy.
Now, I’m usually a hater of cliche-cheesy-over-the-top males, but he – and I’m not sure if it’s the accent or not – he makes me love it.
The question I put forth though is, is it possible to fall not in love, but fall in…attraction? Lust? Perhaps just to fall for someone online?
But the other question I have is, how much can you fully trust someone online?
Yes, I have and am aware of people that cat-fish, I have been cat-fished before, I’m usually pretty good at reading people which is why the times I have been cat-fished I wasn’t too overly surprised or shocked.
Me, though, I’m the type of person that can fall very quickly for a person online, it’s happened before, and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happens again. I’m not as naive as I was when I was 17 and falling in love with every attractive male that came along and spoke sweet-sweet words to me (I use the highlighted words very loosely).
But I am still naive into talking to males online, and building that connection, mainly because I can’t seen to find many males that I can build a connection with in real life. Honestly, I’ve tried here and there, probably not hard enough, but every guy around where I live is an absolute dick most of the time.
Take the guy I lost my ‘V’ card to, he still is an absolute dick, I’ll give you an example, he didn’t use protection, and I’m not on anything, before anyone attacks me, I’m not entirely blaming him, cause yes, I didn’t even bother to check, but when I had messaged him afterwards asking if he had, cause I wasn’t sure, since he had been behind me (not trying to get too in detail). He replied with, ‘No, sorry’ and one of those emojis with shock on their face type thing.
Then, THEN, yes capitals and bold lettering, he had the fucking nerve to ask me if I’d be down for a threesome – which, I would consider, if he wasn’t such a dick. I was like, yup, this is the guy I have first ever slept with, way to go, pick this dick out of the lot of dicks. HAPPY DAYS.
Moving on from that though, and moving back onto the topic of ‘X’, I don’t know what’s going to happen, I mean I’d consider studying abroad in the UK where he lives, not only for the chance to meet him (which would largely be the reason why I’d choose there) but it’s the UK, I’ve only been to one place overseas. This would be an entirely new experience for me, something I am considering, mainly for him.
That’s the scary thing I find within myself, I can be pretty impulsive, and sometimes my thoughts are just as impulsive as my actions.
It’s been maybe two months since we started talking and I’m considering that? That scares me. But YOLO, who cares, life’s about taking chances, taking risks, trying new things, etc etc. and that is something I would try.
Who knows, it could work out for me in the end, most likely wouldn’t, but one can dream, eh?
Going to leave it there, or I’m going to be talking for hours about the random shit I’ve thought of, and I’m probably typing so much and have terrible grammar and punctuation because I took a No-Doz, it’s been a few months since I last took one of those, so I’m kind of hyped up or have a lot more energy than I feel I should actually have.
That’s all from me today, felt like just blerrghhing a bit and venting about shit.