Wednesday, 15th March, 2017. 2:03pm.

So, I’m having one of those days again…

Family is just being shit, friends are just..they’re doing their own things, which is shit. It’s just all shit right now for me.

I’ve got no money, my accounts in negative, no job, not studying, really not doing anything right at this point in time, I do have jobs I want to do, just a matter of applying for them now which I’m in the process of doing. A start at least.

Blasting my ‘For those shitty days~’ playlist cause I am having one and here is why.

I love my family, I really do, but all they have really ever done for me is used me.

That’s seriously it, I know they love me too deep down, but they’ve just used me for my money – hence why I am broke now – and ’cause no one else will listen to them.

I really am over it, it fucking gets to me each and every time.

They only time they will call me is when they want shit.

The fight with my sister, they’ve made it out to look like I’m the bad guy, I just want out of here, I’ll come back up every now and then, but I was up here for way too long.

The last thing I bought for myself with my own money, cost like…$2, this little strap bra thing. That was it.

Just about everything I do buy that is for myself that’s over $50 is usually for me and someone else.

Concert tickets? Me and my other sister cause she isn’t working.

That’s another thing, she hasn’t worked a day in her life and she’s hitting 20 this year, she cared for like 6 months – if that – and suddenly she thinks she’s the expert on caring for people.

She was also the one that didn’t know how to react or what to do when our dads mum, the one she was caring for was in the midst of a heart attack.

Over 6 months later and she’s still jobless, she’s been jobless for the last 3-4 years. It’s been that long and what has my mum done? Encouraged her the littlest bit and pretty much just gave up.

It’s fine for her to live off of you guys, but continue to ask me for money when I’m in a different state.

How is that fair?

Especially to me.

But will I say anything? Fuck no, I ain’t going to bitch about it like my other sister, I’m not selfish like that, I know that my dad was the main provider (even when he wasn’t working) and my mum can’t work cause of her disability, and my other two younger sisters are both now in high school, nevermind the one that just sits at home and cleans (only the slightest bit).

No, I’m not the one that’s going to bitch about it, I’m going to sit there and listen to all the shit she talks about me and the whole family behind their back.

But will she look like the bad guy in the end? Fuck no. Of course not, she’s not the golden child, but you’re going to sit there and pretend like you don’t know she talks shit about you.

Everyone knows it, you’re just too fucking dumb and blind and pretend like shit doesn’t happen.

That’s good and all but the moment I speak up and say that she is this and that, I’m the one that gets shut down cause apparently I’m the bad guy in all of this.

It’s frustrating, being the oldest, being the one that has to take all that responsibility on their shoulders.

I break down once and you give me hug and then we pretend like it’s over? Sure, let’s just go on pretending like nothing ever happened. It’s what you’re all good at anyways.

We’ll pretend like dad isn’t the most condescending person, like he doesn’t put down everyone, like he isn’t the most negative energy around. Like none of it is his fault.

We’ll just pretend like all those times each of us have broken down isn’t a fucking cry for help or a cry for your attention.

We’ll just keep fucking pretending.

Cause of course, we all learnt to be so good a fucking pretending from the both of you.

We’ll stay oblivious to everything outside of what is apparently supposed to be good and save us in the end.

I’m done believing in that lie. I’m done pretending to live a lie.

I’m really just done with everything.

I’m so close, barely hanging on by a thread here.

But none of you will ever notice and if you were to ever notice, maybe you’ll just be too late. Just maybe.

It’s always the quiet ones you have to watch out for.

Too bad you never noticed what has been right under your perfect noses this whole time, huh?



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