You know those days where you feel like absolute shit?
Today’s one of those days, it happens randomly, just comes out of nowhere, like a massive wave.
I’ll be sitting here alone or even lying on the bed and all of a sudden I feel like absolute shit.
I’ll be laughing and then these depressing thoughts will come hurtling out of nowhere and the smile that was on my face is instantly replaced with a frown.
Maybe it’s a bit of depression or some other mental illness, but I feel that if seeing a doctor would help diagnose whatever it is that is wrong with me..I feel that this will just bring a stronger onset on for me internally.
Confirming what I already know to be true will simply hurt me more.
I’ve gone somewhat alright in the mean time, but going that step forward and getting the diagnosis…it downright shit scares me.
Weight apparently was one factor the very last time I went to the doctors, which I already knew, but that’s never on my thoughts when I have all these thoughts running through my head.
It’s just…me having issues with…well – me.
None of this is going to make sense, it doesn’t even really make sense to me, but I really had the urge to write something out.
Starting a story was one way of a distraction for me, but I wanted to write what I could out on what I was feeling.
I don’t like saying the ‘s’ word, it always hits close to home, not just because of knowing people that had taken that step, but because of the times I’ve considered that option.
And that truly scares me most, because for myself, taking that step would just be awfully selfish.
Taking that step would be a way of not having to deal with any issues, not having to take any responsibilities. It would rid of any stress, any sadness, any emotion – any feeling at all.
It would be peace and quiet at last.
But that always gets me thinking next of how…I love all the noise, the issues are something I can eventually walk through.
Responsibilities are a part of life.
Stress is just a feeling or whatever it may be, and not letting it consume me is just what I have to get through.
Sadness is just an emotion – eat lots of chocolate, cause fuck it, y’know?
And as for peace and quiet? No noise? I love all of that, it keeps me awake, keeps me here, the quiet is for when I want to overthink, when I want to overanalyse.
I don’t need that…not yet anyways.
I still have an adventure of a lifetime to explore, and so does everyone else.
So do you.
Y’know what I mean?