Monday, 9th of March, 2015.

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.”

Time: 6:28pm.

For the first time in years I experienced something I hadn’t felt in a long time. Absolutely-terrifying, panic.

As to whether or not if it was a panic or an anxiety attack, that much I have not figured out quite yet, all I know is that it scared the shit out of me, especially as such a time as 5 o’clock in the morning after a good night.

Maybe it is something I have been numbing out for a while, maybe it’s just something that’s finally catching up to me.

I can just feel how exhausted I am, my eyes are drooping, I feel lethargic and I just have no energy.

I want to cry but I almost can’t.

I kept myself distracted most of today by reading, if reading doesn’t help, music does for me.

What I would appreciate is some nicotine, but alas I finished my packet 2 days ago and now have to wait. My heads all over the place and thoughts that once used to haunt me? Yeah, those are coming back in almost full force and that scares me.

Everyone at some point has been consumed by those dark thoughts, and they consume you alright, you get lost in them. I don’t want to go back to that, cause I don’t know if I can fight it off like I have before.

Just give me that sense please. I need something to make me feel again, even if for just one night.

My heads all over the place right now, as depressing as it is.

I’ll keep it short and sweet today, but I’m hoping something comes around, because I can already feel the stress building up with my studies just around the corner.

Lord, give me strength.



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